Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
