Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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