I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
two words: eviction party
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
