I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
