I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
We were destined to go to rehab together
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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