He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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