Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just found puke in my bra..
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
A bitchslap is in order.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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