Little spoons don't ask big questions
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
