Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
