I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
