Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
