Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
