I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
