put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
