I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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