hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
