Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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