apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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