I think i peed on brittanys purse
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
