bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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