pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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