Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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