i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
