somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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