just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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