Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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