i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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