Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
