just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
