You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
