Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
