I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I smell like Dick and happiness
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
