Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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