My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
