A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I need to stop coming to work sober
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
