So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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