So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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