i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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