don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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