I wish I only lived at night.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
