I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
