i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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