she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
