community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
