Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
