I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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