I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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