chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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