when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
