You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
